


Hold On

by HarmonyLover



Category: Glee
Genre: "Sadie Hawkins", Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It, Fluff, M/M, Season/Series 04
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-28
Updated: 2013-11-27
Packaged: 2018-01-02 20:33:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1061321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HarmonyLover/pseuds/HarmonyLover
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A "Sadie Hawkins" AU, written by request. Kurt and Blaine come back together a little earlier, thanks to a confession from Tina and some truth-telling from Rachel. Kurt goes to Lima for the Sadie Hawkins dance, and courage, music, honesty, and coffee ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Glee; it all belongs to 20th Century Fox, Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, Brad Falchuk, et al. I write these stories purely for enjoyment; no copyright infringement is intended. The songs, of course, are not mine either, and all due credit goes to the wonderful writers and performers of those songs.
> 
> Author’s Note: This was written by request for the wonderful kutlessgurl90, who has been a faithful and enthusiastic reviewer of my little tales. This is an AU “Sadie Hawkins” in which Kurt and Blaine get themselves sorted a little bit earlier, thanks to a confession from Tina and some truth-telling from Rachel. “Catch My Breath” was originally performed by Kelly Clarkson. The title is inspired by one of Kurt’s thoughts in the story, and also by Sarah McLachlan’s song “Hold On.”

**Hold On**

 

Kurt shouldered his bag and checked his phone on his way out of Cassie July’s dance class – and by all that was holy, his muscles hurt; the woman was a sadist. He frowned when he saw that he had two missed calls, and it was only 11 a.m. He hit the button that displayed the caller, and his eyebrows went up in surprise at the _Tina Cohen-Chang_ on the display.

What on earth could Tina want? He knew that Tina and Blaine had become friends, but he hadn’t really spoken to Tina since he left Lima.

Kurt shook his head in puzzlement. He didn’t have time; he was supposed to meet Rachel for lunch (without Brody, thank heaven), and then he had his vocal studio followed by his fencing class. Tina would have to wait.

* * *

 

“Kurt, what is that buzzing?” Rachel said in exasperation toward the end of their lunch, setting her salad fork down on the table. They were at a little café that had become one of their favorites, about a block away from NYADA. “It keeps happening, and it sounds like a phone; did you put your phone on vibrate?”

“You know the punishment for having your phone go off in Cassie’s class as well as I do,” Kurt reminded her. “I did _not_ want to deal with that.”

Rachel nodded her head in agreement; she had already been on probation with Cassie once and had no intention of repeating the experience.

“It is my phone; Tina keeps calling me,” Kurt explained, pulling his phone from his bag again. “I don’t know why. I haven’t talked to her in ages.”

“You could _answer_ it,” Rachel said in amusement, a smile curving the corners of her mouth.

Kurt sighed. “Is it weird that I don’t want to? We’re in New York, we’re finally away from all of the New Directions drama, and I really don’t want to be pulled back into it. You and I have enough going on in our lives, all by ourselves.”

“All by ourselves, with Adam and Brody,” Rachel laughed.

“Exactly,” Kurt grinned, and he tossed the phone to the bottom of his bag as he and Rachel began to discuss their respective not-quite boyfriends.

* * *

 

Kurt plodded wearily up to their Bushwick loft that night, his body tired and aching after both dancing and fencing, plus the workout of a two-hour vocal studio. Mondays were brutal. He opened the door to find Rachel reheating leftovers, and he gave her a grateful smile.

“Thank you for that,” he said as he set his bag down. “I don’t have the energy to cook, and you frighten me when you’re around a stove.”

Rachel smiled back at him. “I know. I figured microwaves are about the extent of my talent, but at least this way we can just eat, and you won’t be any more tired than you already are. It does get better. Your body gets used to it.”

Kurt sat at the table and pulled a plate toward him, beginning to eat ravenously, just as a buzzing sound came from his bag again.

“Is Tina still calling you?” Rachel said, frowning. She dug through Kurt’s satchel until she found the offending phone. “Twelve missed calls! Kurt, what is going on?”

“I don’t know what’s going on, clearly, and I honestly don’t care,” Kurt snapped tiredly. “My phone has been buzzing all day, and I don’t know what Tina wants, and I would really be grateful if she would stop calling.”

“Kurt,” Rachel said gently, sitting and pulling her chair close to him, “what if it’s something serious? I can’t imagine she would call you twelve times in one day if it wasn’t important. What if it’s about Blaine? They’ve become fairly good friends, haven’t they?”

“If it was about Blaine, Blaine would call me himself, and he hasn’t,” Kurt pointed out. “We’ve been okay since Christmas; we’ve been talking. I can’t imagine he wouldn’t at least text me if something had happened.”

“Unless he can’t,” Rachel said quietly, and Kurt blanched. Rachel’s heart ached; she could tell she had just voiced the one thing Kurt had been trying not to think about all day. “Or unless he’s afraid to.”

Kurt sucked in a breath, trying not to let his voice waver. “Why would he be – ”

“Kurt,” Rachel chided him, her voice careful but firm. “You two have history, a lot of it. Blaine hardly ever asks for help from anyone. Even I know that. He might feel that there are things he can’t ask you for anymore.”

Kurt was silent, his eyes on his plate, and Rachel knew it hurt him to contemplate that possibility. She set the phone next to his hand that was lying on the table.

“Call Tina,” she told him. “Even if it’s not about Blaine and it’s just drama, won’t you feel better knowing that it’s not something terrible?”

“Okay,” Kurt agreed softly. “Let me eat, first, though. No matter what, if I’m getting into an involved conversation with Tina, I want to have some fortification.”

He gave Rachel a half-smile, and she squeezed his hand in approval before turning back to her own plate.

* * *

 

Kurt was true to his word. After helping Rachel do the dishes, he retired to his room with his cell phone and a large mug of decaf coffee. Taking a long breath, he went to his missed calls and dialed Tina’s number.

She picked up on the first ring. “Kurt,” she said, and he could hear her relief even through the phone. “Thank goodness you called. I’ve been trying to reach you all day!”

“I know; I’m sorry about that,” Kurt said, deciding it was better to forego a long explanation. “I have a long day of classes today, and I don’t usually get home until dinner, sometimes later. What’s going on?”

Tina hesitated, then, “I did something stupid,” she confessed, shame clear in her voice. “It was really stupid, but now I’m worried, and I didn’t know who else to call about this –”

“Tina,” Kurt cut in, not unkindly. “What did you do?”

“I, um, I might have proposed a Sadie Hawkins dance to the student council,” Tina murmured.

“You _what_?” Kurt exclaimed, swiftly sitting upright and narrowly missing spilling coffee in his lap.

“I know!” Tina cried. “I know, but Kurt, I honestly didn’t think about Blaine at first! I was trying to help the girls feel better and feel a little empowered; there are so many girls at McKinley who just walk around looking sad and trying to be invisible, and the Too Young to be Bitter Club thought it was a great idea – and Blaine was in the meeting, he’s student council president for goodness’ sake, and he was there! He seemed fine with it.”

“Of course he _seemed_ fine with it, Tina; Blaine makes an art form out of seeming fine with everything and everyone,” Kurt said heatedly.

“It gets worse,” Tina said desperately. “You know the whole point is that the girls are supposed to ask the guys, and in glee club we were supposed to ask the person of our choice with a musical number. Blaine and I have been hanging out a lot lately, and so –”

Kurt’s hands were shaking, and every part of him was suddenly cold; he had to set his coffee down on the nightstand before he dropped it. “Tell me you didn’t, Tina Cohen-Chang,” he demanded, his voice lowering dangerously. “Please tell me you didn’t.”

“I did,” Tina said miserably, and Kurt could hear her sniffling through tears, but he was too angry to care. “He was – he was so shocked I don’t think he knew what to say – and then of course he said no. When I saw his face, that – that was when I remembered him telling us about what happened at his old school, and I felt horrible, Kurt. I just hadn’t remembered up until then.”

“And so not only did you essentially recreate an event that was traumatic for him, you asked him to go with you as your _date_ , when the last time he went to a Sadie Hawkins dance he got beaten to the point of hospitalization for being gay!”  Kurt hissed furiously. He jumped up from the bed and began to pace, unable to contain his agitation any more, and Rachel stuck her head around the partition to his room, her eyes wide and worried.

“Let’s just reinforce the idea that the only way for him to function in this world is to masquerade as straight! As if he didn’t get enough of that from his father! Tina – I can’t – do you have any idea what this could do to him? He’s worked so _hard_ to be himself and be completely honest and straightforward about who he is, and - I swear, this group is supposed to be a family and take care of each other, and then I’m away from my boyfriend for a few weeks and everyone loses their minds! Everyone ignoring everyone else, not paying attention to each other at all, Brittany having a meltdown, Blaine falling to pieces from feeling invisible, cheating on me because I was being a self-absorbed idiot! Marley fainting at regionals because of bulimia and a psychotic new head cheerleader who cultivated her trust! And now this! Are you _trying_ to inflict pain on each other?  Is that what glee club is about now? Because if it is, I will be the first person to tell Blaine to stay miles away from that choir room!”

Kurt stopped, breathing heavily and trembling from head to foot with anger and anxiety. Rachel moved into the room and put her arms around him, thankfully giving him an anchor. She rested her head on Kurt’s shoulder, and Kurt tried to take some comfort from the physical contact.

“Tina,” he said, struggling to calm down, “what on earth were you _thinking_?”

“I – I wasn’t,” Tina admitted. “I’ve been lonely, Kurt, and Blaine’s been a good friend, and I – I had a little bit of a crush on him, okay? He’s kind and sweet and good-looking, and – it was wrong, I know that, but he’s been lonely too, Kurt. It was just – it was just nice, that he enjoyed my company and I could make him smile. I haven’t been able to do that for anyone lately, and Blaine almost never smiles anymore.”

An image of Blaine’s face in the hallway after _Grease_ floated into Kurt’s mind. He had still been in his white Teen Angel costume, and he had been pleading with Kurt to let him explain. Kurt had snapped back at him, and Blaine had looked stricken, his eyes wide and anguished in his exhausted face. Even through his anger, Kurt had been able to tell that stage makeup was the only reason Blaine looked healthy. He looked as though he hadn’t truly smiled since their break-up. Maybe he hadn’t.

“I didn’t mean to hurt him, Kurt,” Tina whispered. “I really didn’t. Once I realized what had happened, I went to talk to him about it – and he was very kind about it, and we agreed to go to the dance as friends – but that worries me, too. He said the idea of the dance doesn’t really bother him, but the idea of being there without you does. I wasn’t sure whether to believe him, though. I’m still not sure he’s okay, even though he says he is.”

“And he wouldn’t tell you if he’s not,” Kurt finished wearily. “All right. When – when is this happening?”

 “Next Friday,” Tina informed him, her voice still heavy with tears. “We’re all performing songs for it, too. Guys and girls.”

“Okay,” Kurt said, regaining some of his composure as he began to think rapidly. “Look, I’m – I’m going to come home. Don’t tell Blaine, don’t do anything differently – but I’ll be there if anything happens. Blaine got me through some of the worst days of my life, not to mention one of the most humiliating nights of my life at junior prom. I owe him this.”

“Thank you,” Tina said gratefully. “I won’t say anything to Blaine, Kurt – but thank you. I’ll feel so much better just knowing that you’re there if Blaine needs someone.”

“I’m not sure ‘better’ is the word that comes to mind, but I’d rather be there than not,” Kurt said dryly. “Oh, and Tina?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for calling me,” Kurt said slowly. “This isn’t easy for me, but – I’m glad you called. I would rather know about this now and try to help than hear about something horrible happening afterward.”

“I thought that’s how you’d feel,” Tina said. “Thank you, Kurt. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

Kurt ended the call and let the phone drop down to his side, closing his eyes. He suddenly became aware that Rachel was still there, still holding him tightly, and he reached up and put a hand on her forearm in thanks.

“Clearly I heard most of that,” Rachel said softly, just a hint of amusement in her tone as she tried to break the ice. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really,” Kurt admitted. “I’m exhausted, Rachel, and part of me still can’t believe the conversation I just had, or that I’m actually going back to Lima because of it.”

“Well, how about we do talk, because I think we should,” Rachel said, a little bit of her inner diva making itself known as she unwound herself from Kurt and pulled him down to the bed with her.

“What is there to talk about, Rachel?” Kurt asked in exasperation. “I’m going home because Tina was an idiot, and I’m really the only one who can deal with the fallout, assuming there is any. She’s smart enough to know that, at least. Blaine might be telling the truth, but he might not. I know Blaine has become closer to both Tina and Sam, but he’s not going to turn to them with something like this. ”

Rachel reached over the space between them and took one of Kurt’s hands in both of her own. “Kurt, don’t you see what’s going on here?” she asked, and Kurt blinked, taken aback.

“Other than trying to keep my best friend from becoming a wreck in front of the entire McKinley student body?” he returned a trifle sarcastically.

“Kurt. You called him your boyfriend,” she pointed out with a knowing smile.

Kurt took a moment to answer, hastily replaying his angry comments to Tina in his head. “Rachel – that was – he _was_ my boyfriend then,” he protested. “We hadn’t broken up yet.”

“Yes, but you weren’t thinking about your relationship in the past tense,” Rachel averred. “You still love him.”

Kurt closed his eyes again, trying to muster some patience. “Rachel, I don’t – he’s my best friend, yes, and I love him as my best friend. But we’re not getting back together; I don’t want that, and I can’t presume that Blaine wants that. I’ve been dating Adam, and I _like_ him. What on earth makes you think -”

Rachel laughed. She laughed at him until her shoulders shook and she was bent double, still clutching Kurt’s hand and her forehead almost touching the duvet. Offended, Kurt tried to pull his hand away, but Rachel refused to let go.

“Kurt,” she said finally, wiping tears from her eyes, “I am trying my best to be a supportive friend and talk some sense into you, but really – you think Blaine doesn’t want you two back together? That’s _all_ he’s wanted since you two broke up; he didn’t want to break up with you to begin with.”

Kurt suddenly looked at her intently. “Rachel, have you been talking to Blaine?”

Rachel’s grin softened into a smile. “Blaine’s my friend, Kurt; I e-mail with him once in a while. We haven’t talked about you, though; he would never put me in the middle that way. He mentions you every now and then, when something reminds him of you or when someone in glee wants to pass along hellos. I tell you when that happens. He doesn’t have to say anything, Kurt; I know how much he loved you – loves you still,” she amended.

Kurt narrowed his eyes, his sarcasm returning full force. “And how do you know this? Telepathy?”

“For one thing, I saw how he looked at you when we went home for _Grease_ ,” Rachel answered promptly. “For another, I wasn’t here for Christmas, but just the fact that Blaine was willing to drop everything and come to New York with your dad, when he has his own family and they would normally expect him to be around for Christmas, says to me that _you_ are still his first priority.”

“He came because my dad asked him to,” Kurt argued. “He came because he knew I was going to get bad news, and he was being a friend.”

“He came because he loves you, and he wanted to be there when he knew you were going to be hurting,” Rachel countered.

“Well, if he loved me so much, _maybe_ he shouldn’t have cheated on me,” Kurt retorted angrily, and this time he did succeed in snatching his hand away. “If he loved me that much, maybe he should have had a little more faith that we would be all right, and not go running to some – ”

Unable to find a strong enough word, Kurt gave up and turned away from Rachel, putting his back to her and putting his head in his hands.

“I thought he cheated on you because you were ‘being a self-absorbed idiot,’” Rachel said pointedly. “Care to explain what you meant by that?”

Kurt froze as she quoted his words to Tina back at him for the second time that night.

“Rachel,” he sighed, slowly turning back around. “Look, I’ve had a long time to think about this, and I realized at some point that I did things wrong as well. I _was_ self-absorbed; I didn’t pay enough attention to Blaine, and I didn’t make time for him the way that I should have. I talked about myself and you most of the time, when I was talking to him, and I didn’t pay enough attention to how he was doing. I didn’t – I didn’t make him feel like he mattered.”

“And so he tried to find someone who would,” Rachel whispered, holding Kurt’s gaze. Kurt flinched, curling in on himself, and Rachel moved closer, putting her arms around him again.

“I’m not saying it’s okay that Blaine cheated on you,” Rachel ventured after a moment. “He made a terrible mistake, Kurt, and I know how much he hurt you. But if what I hear from Tina is any indication, he’s been eating himself alive over it ever since. Even reading between the lines of his e-mails makes that pretty obvious. He was lonely, and he was afraid he was losing you – but he never stopped loving you. And I don’t think you’ve stopped loving him, either. That’s the first time I’ve heard you admit any culpability for what happened between the two of you, so clearly you don’t blame him as much as you’ve been saying you do. I think you need to deal with that.”

Kurt gritted his teeth in frustration. “I am _not_ in love with Blaine.”

“You’re just dropping everything to go help him because you know he needs you, and you know how bad this might be if you aren’t there,” Rachel said bluntly. “Just as he did for you. You also jumped completely to his defense and yelled at Tina for what she had done. But you’re just friends.”

“ _Best_ friends,” Kurt stressed, climbing off the bed. “This is what best friends do, Rachel. We help each other.”

“I can’t convince you,” Rachel said, throwing up her hands. She stood up, too, making her way toward the door. “Just – think about this for me, would you?

Kurt looked up from where he was deliberately straightening his desk, raising an eyebrow.

“I told Blaine once that we both knew what it was like to find our soulmates against all odds,” Rachel said gently. “As it turned out, Finn wasn’t mine. When he cheated on me, it was because he honestly didn’t know who he wanted and was attracted to two different people. He loved me, but he loved Quinn, too. He and I aren’t really suited for forever, I don’t think. He did the right thing at the end of last year, even though I couldn’t see it or wasn’t willing to admit it then,” Rachel continued, a pained smile flitting across her face before she went on. “But what I’m trying to say is – since you two found each other, since that first time Blaine kissed you, there has never been anyone else for him. I think if you’re really honest with yourself, you will admit that there will never be anyone else for you, either.”

It took Kurt a long time to fall asleep after that.

* * *

 

Arriving at McKinley the night of the dance felt surreal to Kurt. It had been odd enough to be home again, after a few more weeks in New York. He had been glad to see his father (who had looked tired, and Kurt had scolded him for not taking care of himself well enough, even though they both knew that cancer treatment tired even the healthiest people), but being back in Lima felt strange. He was so different already. New York was its own unique oasis, and it was changing him.

He looked in the rearview mirror and adjusted his bowtie before taking a long breath and getting out of the car, pulling his suit jacket down carefully so that it hung properly on his shoulders. The dance was already in full swing, and so thankfully Kurt was able to make his way to the gym without running into anyone he knew. He was fairly certain all the glee club members would either be performing or on the dance floor, and if he could surprise Blaine, so much the better.

When he entered the crowded gym he almost gaped. The decorations were amazing; he would have to remember to congratulate Tina on them later. No one would recognize the room for what it usually was. There were star-like snowflakes hanging from the ceiling, white lights sparkling everywhere, and accents of a silvery blue that made the room feel enchanted.

His attention was drawn to the stage when he heard familiar voices, and his heart jumped traitorously when he saw Blaine.  His boyfriend was on stage with Artie and Sam, doing a killer rendition of “No Scrubs,” and Kurt couldn’t help but smile when he saw the energy Blaine was putting into it. It was the happiest he’d seen Blaine look in months, and there was confidence and energy there that reminded Kurt vividly of the Blaine Warbler he’d met on Dalton’s staircase.

_“The Warblers are like rock stars. Come on, I know a shortcut.”_

Kurt’s face became solemn again as he thought of everything Blaine had gone through to become that boy, someone who was open about his sexuality and proud of it, someone who wasn’t afraid to stand up for others and demand tolerance, someone who wore his heart on his sleeve and in his eyes when he cared about another person, someone who put everything he was and had been and could be into his performances.

Even when he occasionally had to attack a punching bag to deal with his demons.

Even when he still had nightmares about the attack that had happened five years ago.

If that night had ended differently, Kurt never would have known Blaine.

The very thought made an ache form in Kurt’s chest. He honestly couldn’t imagine his life without Blaine, didn’t want to think about the world without Blaine in it. He didn’t want to think about what would have been lost, had 14-year-old Blaine not been as strong as he was. He didn’t want to imagine what would have become of _him_ , without that chance encounter on the Dalton stairs – he might very well have been so terrified, so broken, that he would never have followed his dreams. Blaine had given him strength in ways he hadn’t even realized he needed – the strength of courage, of belief, of love. Blaine would deny it if anyone asked him, Kurt knew, and say that Kurt had always been that strong – but loving Blaine and being loved by him had given Kurt surety in a way nothing else in his life ever had.

And with sudden, blinding clarity, watching Blaine perform, Kurt knew he wasn’t ready to let go of that.

_You still love him . . . if you’re really honest with yourself, you will admit that there will never be anyone else for you, either._

Rachel’s words whispered through his mind, and Kurt straightened his shoulders in decision, inhaling and letting out a long breath.

It felt like the first time he had really breathed since the night of their break up.

Whatever had gone wrong, whatever had made Blaine so fearful and lost and insecure that he had cheated on Kurt, Kurt had to know what it was. It was going to be painful and difficult to talk about and work through, but it had to be done. They couldn’t ever let it happen again. If Kurt knew his boyfriend at all – _yes, boyfriend,_ Kurt said determinedly in his own head, acknowledging the love and desire for what it was – there had been so much more going on in Blaine’s head than simple physical need.

Blaine had spent months tearing himself apart and trying to put himself back together, and now it was Kurt’s turn to help with that burden. Blaine always believed that Kurt was strong – well, Kurt was going to use that strength now, and figure out how to put _them_ back together.

He watched Blaine exchange hugs and high fives with Artie and Sam before jumping down from the stage. Tina was waiting for Blaine and swept him into a hug almost before he was properly on his feet. She was smiling widely, and held Blaine’s jacket for him as he slipped it back on. Blaine said something to her with a smile, and then offered his hand for a dance. The pair of them moved back into the crowd, finding their way to Brittany and Sam, Artie and Sugar, and Jake and Marley, who had all formed their own little group.

Kurt made careful note of where they were, beginning to find his way over to them, pausing frequently and doing his best not to be noticed by any of the glee club members. The newbies wouldn’t necessarily remember him, but any of his old teammates would spot him right away, and he really wanted to keep his presence a surprise.

As he emerged on the edge of the glee club group, he saw that Blaine’s back was actually to him, and the only person who saw him instantly was Tina, looking as she was directly over Blaine’s shoulder. Her eyes brightened even further, and Kurt put a finger to his lips before stepping forward, just far enough away from Tina and Blaine that he could extend a hand.

“Excuse me,” he said, and he had to raise his voice to be heard over the music and the chatter of the crowd. “May I have this dance?”

Blaine went still in Tina’s arms, and then turned around slowly, disbelief washing over his features as he saw Kurt standing there with one hand out and a small, reminiscent smile on his lips.

“Kurt,” he breathed, and _oh_ , Kurt had missed the way his name sounded when Blaine said it. “What are you doing here?”

“Someone was a little worried about you,” Kurt answered, with a glance at Tina. Blaine turned his head to look at her, surprise and gratitude mingling in his eyes, and she simply smiled and squeezed Blaine’s hand before letting go and stepping back to stand with Sugar.

“So may I have this dance?” he asked again, and Blaine smiled before taking Kurt’s hand.

“Yes. Yes, you may,” he said, his eyes twinkling, and Kurt knew that he remembered, too.

They slipped into each other’s arms easily, naturally, although both of them kept just a little distance between their bodies. Blaine searched Kurt’s face; Kurt could see him trying to figure out the answers to the questions he wasn’t asking.

Kurt forestalled the questions, though, instead asking one of his own. “Are you okay?” he questioned gently, tightening his hands almost imperceptibly on Blaine’s waist and shoulder. “Tina was nearly frantic when she called me, and once she told me what was happening, I was worried, too.”

To his credit, Blaine didn’t pretend that he didn’t know what Kurt was talking about.

“I’m okay,” he said quietly. “Last night, not so much, but . . . I’m okay now. It was fun being up there,” he added, inclining his head toward the stage with a smile.

“You guys were great,” Kurt complimented him. “You were really killing it up there. It was like watching you with the Warblers all over again.”

Blaine laughed. “It was a number we would have done, that’s true. Singing with Sam and Artie is a riot, though. I love those guys.”

Kurt studied him. “You’ve made friends with them, and with Tina,” he observed with a fond smile. “I’m glad. You’re so much more yourself than you were a few months ago, B.”

Blaine’s smile faltered at the nickname and shadows filled his eyes, cracking Kurt’s heart open a little more. “To a point,” he murmured. He started to move toward Kurt, but hesitated, and Kurt finished the action for him, drawing Blaine close against him. He could feel the shock, the stiffness in Blaine’s frame, but as he rubbed his hands over Blaine’s shoulders Blaine relaxed, melting into Kurt and burying his face in the crook of Kurt’s neck.

Feeling Blaine in his arms again, so close, so warm, brought tears to Kurt’s eyes. Kurt breathed in Blaine’s scent – his familiar cologne, his hair gel, and underneath it all simply a warm spiciness that was Blaine. And Blaine was home.

He brought one hand up, curling it around the nape of Blaine’s neck, leaving the other wrapped around his torso. “I really was worried about you, Blaine,” he whispered, his mouth right next to Blaine’s ear. “I may have yelled at Tina when she called me. I still can’t believe she . . .” he trailed off, closing his eyes. “You had nightmares last night?”

“Yes,” Blaine said wearily, his voice still muffled against Kurt’s neck. “The same ones as always, but . . . it’s been a while. I was exhausted when I woke up this morning. I took a quick nap after school, before I got ready for the dance, but I think I’ve been running mostly on adrenaline. It was such a relief to get here and realize that I didn’t feel panicked. I was apprehensive, but nothing has happened. No flashbacks, no panic attacks. I’ve been a little tense, but I was focused on making sure Tina had fun, and on performing, and I think that helped.”

“And then you were here,” Blaine continued wonderingly, his arms tightening around Kurt as he lifted his head to look Kurt in the eyes. “You were here, and I felt like I was dreaming.”

“You’re not,” Kurt affirmed, framing Blaine’s face with his hands. He felt Blaine’s breath hitch, and his own breathing grew a little ragged as he rested his forehead to Blaine’s. “You’re not, Blaine, I promise. When Tina called and explained what had happened, I couldn’t stand the idea of you going through this alone. I didn’t know whether you would really be all right or not, I didn’t know if being here would bring everything back or not, and I was – frantic,” Kurt confessed, his voice breaking over the last word. “Rachel . . . confronted me with a few truths, and I knew that I had to come and make sure you were okay, make sure that you had someone here you could turn to if you needed to.”

He could see the tears starting to glisten in Blaine’s eyes, tears that Blaine furiously tried to blink back as Kurt kept talking.

“But I also knew – I knew I had to come and find out if we could fix this, if we could be us again,” he whispered. “I’ve missed you so much, missed my best friend and my boyfriend, and - I’ve been so angry, Blaine. I shut you out because I was so angry, but – that wasn’t fair to you. And I think – if you still want this, if you still want me – I think we need to talk about what happened. I think I _can_ talk about what happened now, without hurting you any more than I already have. I wasn’t innocent in all of this either; I know some of it was my fault, and I’m so very sorry for that.”

Tears were running freely down Blaine’s face now, but he still hadn’t said a word, his eyes huge and wet and impossibly loving as he stared at Kurt. Kurt wiped away Blaine’s tears with his thumbs, caressing his cheeks gently.

“Blaine,” he said, his voice trembling, “talk to me, please. If you don’t – if you don’t want to be with me anymore, it’s all right, really it is, but – just please tell me I haven’t lost my best friend. I don’t want to go through the rest of my life without you in it.”

Blaine laughed, then, but it came out sounding more like a choked sob, and Kurt’s throat closed up as he remembered their phone conversation at Thanksgiving. It was the same sound – as if Blaine’s worst fear had suddenly disappeared and he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.  His smile was bright and genuine, though, even through his tears.

“Kurt,” he said thickly, bringing up his own hands to his face and lacing his fingers through Kurt’s before bringing their joined hands down to rest over his heart, “ _of course_ I still want you, all of you, all of us, everything. I never thought I’d have it again, but I never wanted anything else.”

Then Blaine’s lips were on his, and Kurt sighed with relief as he breathed into their kiss, feeling the empty hole in his chest fade with every brush of their mouths, feeling himself become whole again with Blaine back in his arms.

“I love you,” Kurt murmured when they broke apart, wrapping his arms around Blaine and pulling him close. “I want you to know that. I never stopped.”

“I love you too,” Blaine sighed. “So much, Kurt. I always did.”

“What do you say to starting that talk?” Kurt requested solemnly. “The Lima Bean is still open, and no one will be there. We can claim one of the couches in the back.”

Blaine nodded, smiling slightly. “I thought we weren’t allowed to go there anymore because you saw a mouse,” he teased.

Kurt shrugged. “Nostalgia. I can’t help it. And their coffee is still the best in Lima.”

“I’m all for it,” Blaine repeated, “but can it wait just a few minutes? I have a number that I’ve been thinking about, and I wanted to sing it for you, the next time I saw you. I didn’t plan on it being now, but it really seems to fit this moment,” he said with a soft smile.

“Ever the showman,” Kurt teased in his turn. “Please dazzle me, by all means.”

Blaine leaned in and planted another swift kiss on Kurt’s lips before flashing a smile at him and darting away to find some of the other New Directions. Somewhat to Kurt’s surprise, when Blaine moved up to the stage, he brought Marley, Brittany, and Unique with him; he apparently needed some strong female backup.

Blaine spoke briefly to the band as Kurt waited and watched, and then turned around and settled himself in front of the microphone, with the girls flanking him. Kurt moved closer to the stage, and Blaine’s eyes found him in the crowd. Kurt felt it instantly, the same breathless, awed joy that had floored him during “Teenage Dream” because _this boy_ was singing to _him_ , the same warm thrumming under his skin that was there every time he looked at Blaine and knew that he was loved and wanted. The same fierce need to cherish and protect Blaine, the person he loved with all of his heart. The same connection that felt so bone-deep that Kurt never wanted it to leave.

Blaine’s reasoning behind his choice of backup singers became clear the minute the musicians began to play; as the beat of “Catch My Breath” began, Kurt knew why Blaine had wanted the well-matched girls. As the female trio picked up the notes of the accompaniment, Kurt found himself holding his own breath. He knew how Blaine’s performances worked, knew how powerful they were and how much Blaine conveyed with them. Now more than ever, he needed to understand all of the layers in this one. Blaine crooned the low opening lines into the microphone, every sinew of his body clearly focused on the music, and Kurt was transfixed.

_I don't want to be left behind_   
_Distance was a friend of mine_   
_Catching breath in a web of lies_

Blaine’s eyes were still trained on Kurt as he sang, and the pieces began to fit together for Kurt. Blaine had tried for so long to be the person everyone else needed him to be. First with his father and his brother, then with his schoolmates, then even with Kurt and the New Directions, he had put on the face everyone needed to see. Only with the Warblers had he let down some of those walls, and eventually he had opened himself as completely as he could to Kurt – but the fear of losing _them_ , losing their love and their friendship and the connection he cherished, had caused Blaine to put on a front with Kurt as well, to pretend everything was all right until he was practically suffocating with it. Starting with Chandler’s flirtation and Kurt’s refusal to talk about their separation at the end of his senior year – maybe starting before then, with their failure to really talk about Sebastian and his impact on their relationship – Blaine had closed in on himself, his hard-won trust in Kurt and in them slowly collapsing under the weight of fear and doubt. He had pretended well enough to fool even Kurt – and the distance between them while Kurt was in New York had aided him in that endeavor – but the distance also terrified him. Kurt now knew that the idea of being left behind – not only in Lima, but left behind by Kurt himself - had practically paralyzed Blaine with fear.

_I've spent most of my life_   
_Riding waves, playing acrobat_   
_Shadowboxing the other half_   
_Learning how to react_

Well, that was the truth of Blaine’s life if he had ever heard it, Kurt reflected bitterly. His boyfriend had learned to turn on a dime depending on the reactions of those around him, dodging his father’s disapproval and his brother’s endless criticism, avoiding the homophobic slurs of his schoolmates and their equally harmful fists, literally learning to box in order to defend himself from physical threats. He was charming and polite partly to hide his insecurities, and he did everything in his power in order to please others, because it kept people from seeing aspects of Blaine that they might not like. It gave him emotional and physical safety in a world that had given him very little of either.

On the other hand, Blaine was capable of incredible things - the things he was passionate about and did for himself were the areas in which he truly shone, and that was never more true than when he was onstage. Blaine performing was a stunning sight. He still took Kurt’s breath away. He knew how to take a song or a performance to its highest point, knew how to find the best words and phrases for a song, knew almost by instinct where the highlights of an arrangement were and how to make them moments that would transfix his audience. He was also a natural leader – people instinctively turned to him for help, for organization, for direction. Kurt knew, from the little he had gleaned through Blaine himself, through Tina, through Brittany, that whatever coherence the New Directions had achieved this year was due in great part to Blaine, despite Blaine’s struggles after their break up. The Warblers had always looked to him to lead, even the members of the Council, and no matter how much Kurt had pushed them to change their style and approach, he knew just how good Blaine was at being the focal point for their group, at being the leader they needed.

_I've spent most of my time_   
_Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of the show_   
_Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told it's supposed to be right_

As Blaine launched into the first chorus and increased his volume, a small smile graced his lips, and Kurt hoped he was understanding this part of Blaine’s message correctly as well. If he was right, if that smile meant what he thought, Blaine was through holding back. He was through hiding what he wanted and needed from Kurt, and through protecting Kurt from the hardest parts of his life. Kurt knew Blaine’s weaknesses now; they knew each other’s, and they both needed to learn how to embrace and love those faults and contend with them as part of the fabric of their relationship. They both had a right to their own feelings and emotions, and communicating those feelings to each other, even when they were unpleasant or unreasonable, was something they desperately needed to get better at.

Blaine was asking Kurt to accept his imperfections, accept that he had worries and fears and character flaws. He was asking Kurt to love him in spite of those things. Kurt had known – of _course_ he had known – some of Blaine’s vulnerabilities, but he had failed spectacularly at remembering them and accounting for them in the months before their break-up. One of his own more unpleasant traits had gotten in the way – his tendency to become completely absorbed in his own goals and ambitions, something that was admittedly only exacerbated by living with Rachel, who was even worse than he. He retained a sense of proportion where she did not, but like her he tended to ignore the rest of the world when he was after something he wanted.  
  
 _Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that  
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so simple now_

Ah, and _there_ was the Blaine he remembered. Kurt’s chest bloomed with warmth as he watched Blaine take over the stage, his wide smile and sparkling eyes bright in the dim light. Blaine was determined – he wanted this, wanted them, and now that he knew Kurt wanted him as well, he wasn’t going to let anything keep them from being together. He would accept the darker parts of Kurt, as well, with faith that it would only make their relationship stronger.

_Addicted to the love I found  
Heavy heart, now a weightless cloud  
Making time for the ones that count  
I'll spend the rest of my time  
Laughing hard with the windows down  
Leaving footprints all over town  
Keeping faith kind of comes around  
I'll spent the rest of my life  
  
Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of the show  
Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told it's supposed to be right_  
  
 _Keeping faith kind of comes around_. Kurt smiled a wry little smile as he thought about that. They had both lost faith, in themselves and in each other. Their break-up, as abrupt and out of the blue as it had seemed to Kurt at the time, had decimated not only his faith in Blaine and their relationship, but his faith in himself and his ability to read others. If he could not trust Blaine, who had been his best friend and who he had given everything to, who could he trust? He had spent months being terrified to admit that he wanted to trust Blaine again, that he wanted to give his heart back into Blaine’s keeping – but what had surprised him as much as anything was the realization that somehow, he had never lost trust in their friendship, in their ability to be honest with each other. After Isabelle’s gentle push on Thanksgiving and his hesitant but determined phone call to Blaine, he had known, deep down, that he trusted their friendship, if not their ability to be together again. Blaine had told him about Eli. He hadn’t lied; he hadn’t tried to cover it up. He had come straight to Kurt and told him what happened, and while Kurt had reacted badly and that had led to some of the worst months of his life, the simple fact that Blaine had told him rested somewhere in his subconscious. It was why, after weeks of not talking, he was able to say “I love you,” during that phone conversation and mean it. He had slowly begun to rebuild his own faith on that one simple fact.

For Blaine, he was sure, it had been infinitely worse. Kurt had been devastated, angry, and plagued with insomnia, but Blaine had been shattered. Kurt had tried to ignore the worried e-mails and texts he had gotten from Britt and even occasionally Sam, but he didn’t forget them. Blaine, from all accounts, had basically ceased to function. He showed up at school, but he didn’t talk, didn’t sit with the rest of the choir, didn’t offer suggestions, and performed on autopilot. He turned down the role of Danny, which Finn and Artie had been willing to hand him without an audition. He had trusted himself with nothing, mentally flayed himself with his own guilt and failure. What was even worse was that everyone except Sam seemed to ostracize him or simply ignore his cries for help – and knowing Blaine, he had felt he deserved their condemnation. He had been left with nothing, no Kurt, no support system, no faith in himself, and had somehow rebuilt that faith on his own, with nothing but blind belief.

What haunted Kurt the most about those few minutes with Blaine after _Grease_ was not only the realization of how much Blaine despised himself for what he had done (it was written all over his face, all over his clearly exhausted body, and everywhere in his tortured eyes), but also the sickening knowledge that he had done nothing to decrease Blaine’s self-loathing. He had been so blindly furious and so hurt after Blaine’s confession that he had never bothered to ask why, never tried to sort out the complicated meaning behind, “I needed you and you weren’t there.” They had both struggled to find faith again individually, when they could have been helping each other.

They really needed to talk – and not, now that Kurt thought about it, somewhere they would be seen. He wanted the happiness and laughter he and Blaine had once shared, but they would never get there if they didn’t work through the hard things first, and they couldn’t even begin to do that in a public setting.

Blaine must have seen the solemnity in Kurt’s expression, for his smile faltered a bit as he reached the end of the song. Kurt looked up at him and smiled reassuringly, and as Blaine came down from the stage and walked toward him, Kurt met him halfway and hugged him again.

“You were wonderful,” he whispered, placing a gentle kiss on Blaine’s cheek, “and I love you, and I think I understand now. Some things, at least. I have a suggestion.”

Blaine pulled back just enough to look at Kurt, raising his eyebrows in question, his expression slightly puzzled. “I love you, too. And the suggestion is?”

“How do you feel about getting our coffee to go, and then going back to my house to talk? I have a feeling this is going to get pretty emotional before we’re through, and I’m not sure the Lima Bean is the right place for that kind of conversation,” Kurt said, hesitating just the slightest bit. He didn’t want Blaine to think that he was trying to gain any kind of upper hand, and the Lima Bean was public and fairly neutral territory, but –

Blaine sighed, his shoulders slumping a bit as he considered the probable topics of discussion in the near future, and then nodded in agreement. “I think it’s probably a good idea. I’ll feel – marginally better about this if we’re someplace private and – and safe,” he finished, his voice suddenly quiet and shy. He looked down, biting his lip, and Kurt winced internally. There it was again, that desperate plea for safety of all kinds, and somehow, despite all that had passed between them, Blaine still considered the Hummel home one of the few spaces where that safety existed.

Kurt reached out a hand and rested it on Blaine’s cheek, lifting his head up. “Hey. It’s okay. I understand; that’s why I suggested it,” he said softly. He smiled, reaching out his other hand to entwine Blaine’s fingers in his own. “So, coffee?”

“Coffee,” Blaine agreed. He smiled and placed a kiss on Kurt’s palm before Kurt let his hand fall, and they walked out of the gymnasium together.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Glee; it all belongs to 20th Century Fox, Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, Brad Falchuk, et al. I write these stories purely for enjoyment; no copyright infringement is intended.

**Hold On – Chapter Two**

Not quite an hour later, Kurt and Blaine found themselves entering the Hummel house, Lima Bean coffees in hand. 

“Dad and Carole are out at a political dinner tonight,” Kurt explained as he flipped on the hall light. “I’m surprised Finn and Sam haven’t wrecked the place since I’ve been gone, honestly – but at least we know where they are tonight, too,” he said with a small smile. “We don’t have to worry about anyone coming home any time soon.”

Blaine glanced around, taking in the living room as they entered. “It feels strange, being here,” he confessed quietly. “I haven’t been back.”

“Should we have gone to your house?” Kurt asked worriedly. “We can, you know. I want this to be as easy as it can be, Blaine.”

“No, it’s okay,” Blaine declared softly. “I’m glad to be here, Kurt, even if does feel a little odd. I’m here with you, and that’s all that matters. A few hours ago I still wasn’t sure if this would ever happen again.”

Kurt nodded, tightening his fingers around Blaine’s. They had kept hold of each other’s hands as much as possible on the way over, even while they were ordering at the Lima Bean and while Kurt was driving them home. Kurt didn’t want to give up the physical contact, but it would be awkward, and probably counterproductive, to be in his bedroom. Finally, Kurt settled on the large couch, silently thanking Finn’s tall and lanky frame for the existence of the oversized piece of furniture. He propped a pillow on the arm of the couch, wedging it against the endtable, and gestured to Blaine by patting the small space next to him. Blaine sat carefully, hesitantly putting his legs over Kurt’s lap and leaning his head on Kurt’s shoulder.

“All right?” Kurt murmured into his hair, rubbing a hand up and down his spine. “Tell me if it’s too much; I just – being able to touch you has been helping me, so I thought it would be easier.”

“It’s – it’s good,” Blaine sighed, his muscles slowly relaxing. “Unexpected, but good.” He looked up at Kurt and smiled. “Like most of tonight. You still zig when I think you’re going to zag.”

Kurt chuckled almost silently at the allusion to their conversation after the _West Side Story_ auditions, his abdomen shaking against Blaine. “It happens to both of us, then. A week ago I never would have imagined being here. When I got to McKinley tonight, I still wasn’t sure what I was going to say to you.”

“What changed?” Blaine asked curiously.

“When I was watching you singing “No Scrubs,” everything just – clicked. Fell into place,” Kurt said reflectively. “Apparently communication through singing is a pattern for us,” he said in amusement. “The whole way here I didn’t know what was going to happen; I just knew I had to make sure you were okay. But once I saw you, I knew I wasn’t ready to give up on us. I was finally brave enough to admit that I still wanted you, and us. I’m just grateful you did, too.”

 “I do,” Blaine affirmed, leaning in to kiss Kurt’s jaw. “So much.”

Kurt wrapped the arm that had been resting on Blaine’s back around his boyfriend’s waist, bringing them even more snugly together. “I’m – I’m not sure how to start this,” he admitted nervously.

“Me either,” Blaine said shakily. “Please, Kurt, please don’t –”

“I’m not angry anymore, sweetheart, I promise I’m not,” Kurt said swiftly, pressing more kisses into Blaine’s hair and brushing his lips over Blaine’s temple. “I’m not going to take any of this back. I just – I need to know, and I think you need to say it, so that we can both figure out how to deal with it and move past it. I can’t fix anything without knowing what I did wrong, and I could guess, but it’s not the same as having you tell me. And I don’t want you torturing yourself any more. We can’t be stronger if you let this guilt eat at you forever. I think Sam and Tina have helped you with it, but I’m finally really starting to see how deeply you bury things that hurt you, and I don’t want this to be one of them.”

Blaine nodded. “I’ll try to start from the beginning,” he said slowly. “When you left for New York, Kurt, I knew you were doing the right thing. It was why I pushed you to go; I knew you needed to be there, and that once you were in the city, you would see all of the amazing possibilities for yourself, and you would fight for them with everything you had. And you did,” he said, smiling softly. “I was so proud of you. But – what I didn’t say when you left was that I was terrified. I was terrified of losing you.”

 “Blaine,” Kurt murmured. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I knew I couldn’t say it then, or you wouldn’t go. But I had tried,” Blaine said fervently, adjusting their positions so that he could look into Kurt’s eyes. “I had _tried_ , Kurt, and I didn’t feel like you ever took me seriously! When we fought about Chandler, when I said then that I had been trying to get used to how it would feel to be without you, I was completely serious. I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t know how I was going to be able to breathe without you. And then when you promised we would figure it out, you promised we would be all right – you _promised_ , but we never talked specifics, Kurt. We never talked about the how and when, and what the rules would be for maintaining our relationship. I just had to take it on faith that we would be fine. And I _tried_. But you were so sure – how was I supposed to bring it up after that? ‘I’m sorry, honey, but I need specifics about how this is going to work?’ How  would you have reacted to that?”

“Badly,” Kurt said bluntly. “I know I would have; I didn’t want to think about how hard it was going to be. I didn’t think it was going to _be_ hard, and that was foolish. Sweet, maybe, but foolish. You should have said exactly that – but I understand why you didn’t. I didn’t make it easy.”

“No,” Blaine said hollowly. “And with our phone calls, and Skype dates – it just started feeling less and less like you needed me, and more and more like I was pulling you away from a fabulous new life that I wasn’t a part of. We always got interrupted or cut off, and even when I tried to tell you about things here, it never felt like you were really listening. That last time before – Kurt, you hung up before I could even tell you I loved you.”

Blaine was shaking by the time he finished talking, and he suddenly stood, then moved to the other end of the couch from Kurt and wrapped his arms around his knees.

Kurt had tears in his eyes, and he reached one hand toward Blaine, but Blaine shook his head rapidly. His eyes were apologetic but determined. “Just – don’t touch me for a minute, please,” he begged, his breathing harsh. “This next part is going to be the hardest, and I really don’t want to mix any part of your touch with that memory.”

Kurt drew his hand back. “Blaine,” he said softly, “I am so sorry. I never meant to make you feel like I didn’t love you. That day I hung up on you before you said ‘I love you’ – I remember that day. I was so busy and so harried, and I felt badly afterward that I had hung up so quickly, but I never imagined it hurt you so much,” Kurt said brokenly. “And the night of the election – I was at the office with Isabelle and Chase, and a couple of other co-workers. I was going to call you later, I really was, but it was so late when I got home. I should have just picked up. I don’t know why I didn’t; Isabelle wouldn’t have minded.”

“I just felt so _empty_ , and I needed to feel like someone cared,” Blaine said. “Glee was a mess after you left, and it was like I didn’t exist. I couldn’t get anyone to see how awful I was feeling. You hung up. And then I tried to call you when I won the election, and you didn’t pick up the phone. And then Eli was there.”

Kurt closed his eyes, taking a long breath before he spoke. “How did you meet him?”

“We started chatting over Facebook; he’s part of the PFLAG chapter at Lima Community College, and they have a Facebook page that lets local LGBT people find each other,” Blaine said straightforwardly. “We initially just talked about school and classes, and I told him the first time we talked that I was with you. He seemed fine with it, and it was nice to talk to someone else local who was gay. He was a little flirty, but nothing I couldn’t handle or shut down, certainly nothing like Sebastian. Anyway, the day after – the day after the election, Eli messaged me. He asked if I wanted to come over to his house and hang out, and – I knew it was a bad idea, because I was such a wreck, but I went anyway. I wanted someone to talk to – and that’s all I wanted, Kurt,” Blaine said desperately. “I never meant for anything to happen; I just wanted someone to _listen_ for once.”

“I believe you,” Kurt said reassuringly. “I do, Blaine. But what happened?”

“We did talk, and at first I felt better – it helped to actually say out loud how worried and lonely I was, and have someone there who seemed to understand. But in the middle of our conversation, Eli leaned over and kissed me, and I don’t – I don’t know why I didn’t _stop_ him,” Blaine said in frustration. “My brain was screaming at me to make him stop, that it wasn’t right, but I think – I think I was so relieved to feel _something_ instead of feeling so numb, that I didn’t say anything.”

Kurt carefully scooted closer to Blaine on the couch, but he still didn’t touch his boyfriend. He kept his voice steady, his face completely open as he asked the next question. “And kissing led to other things?”

“Handjobs,” Blaine choked out. “Kissing, and bare torsos, and handjobs, and I felt so _sick_ after I orgasmed that I thought I was going to throw up. It had – it had felt wrong while it was happening, because he wasn’t you and none of the touches were the same and everything felt impersonal, but the minute we stopped I felt used. And I had – I had used him as much as he used me, but it felt so _wrong_ , Kurt. ”

Blaine had been forcing his words out through ragged breaths, and he finally dissolved into harsh sobs, his shoulders shaking as he curled in on himself. Kurt reached for him without thought, then, wrapping his arms around Blaine and pulling him close, tugging both of them until they were lying entwined on the couch. Blaine clung fiercely to Kurt and sobbed into his chest, while Kurt held him as tightly as he could. He let his own tears slide down his cheeks unchecked, into Blaine’s hair; it was incredibly painful to talk about this, but hearing Blaine cry hurt more than all the rest. If he hadn’t known that his heart still belonged to Blaine before, he would have realized it now.

“Shh,” he said soothingly. “It’s all right. I love you, and I’m here, and I forgive you. I’m not going anywhere.”

Kurt continued to murmur anything he could think of, a soft susurration of loving, tender syllables, until Blaine’s tears slowed.

“Afterward, I told him not to contact me again, and deleted him from my phone and my Facebook contacts,” Blaine said, his voice rough from crying. He was determined to finish the story now that the worst part was over, and Kurt carded gentle fingers through his hair as he talked, heedless of the gel that caught on his fingertips. “He’s done that, at least. I haven’t heard a word. After that horrible weekend with you in New York, I – I waited another five weeks and got tested. For everything. I knew the chances of contracting anything were miniscule, given what we had done, but I had to know for sure. All of the tests came back clear, thank goodness.”

Kurt was shaking now, and he tightened trembling arms around Blaine as realization washed over him. “That was why you were so careful, when you kissed me hello that night. I thought – we were in front of Rachel, and kissing around the flowers, and I didn’t think anything else of it - but you were protecting me.”

“Yes,” Blaine whispered. “I hated that, hated that if that was going to be the last time I kissed you, it had to be such a brief kiss hello – but I never would have forgiven myself later, if I had exposed you to anything. It was – the people at the clinic were kind, but I was so scared. Maybe illogically so, given the odds, but I was petrified. And when I saw you in New York, I didn’t know anything – there wasn’t any way to know yet.”

“God, Blaine,” Kurt exhaled. “And you dealt with all of that alone. I’m so sorry.” He maneuvered himself downward until his face was level with Blaine’s, and he kissed Blaine’s eyelids, then his nose, then each cheekbone, and finally his lips, trying to make each kiss as tender as he could.

“It was wrong of me to run from you and stop talking to you,” he apologized softly. “I wish I could go back to October and tell myself that. You came to New York of your own volition and were brave enough to tell me that this awful thing had happened, that you had done something wrong, and instead of listening and trying to understand why, instead of fighting for us, I just ran. I was thinking about that as you were singing tonight; I basically made the worst decision I could have in that situation. If I had understood how many of your fears I had been making real in the two months before that, I’d like to think that I would have reacted differently – but I should have done it all differently anyway. I promised you that we would be all right, and the minute that I knew something was wrong, I ran from it. You had enough courage to tell the truth – and I threw it in your face,” he finished, his voice sharp with self-condemnation.

“You were hurt, and angry, and you had a right to be,” Blaine said, stroking Kurt’s cheek. “I didn’t expect you to react _well_ , Kurt; you’re human.”

“But you hoped for better, and you deserved better,” Kurt asserted. “Are you going to try and tell me that ‘Teenage Dream’ wasn’t a plea for understanding? That performance was – I still can’t think about it without wanting to cry,” Kurt said, swiping at his eyes. “You were trying so _hard_ to get me to see how you were falling apart. I know how important music is for you when you’re trying to express emotion, and I didn’t make the connections – not well enough, anyway. I should have yelled, cried, argued with you – anything but shutting down and breaking up with you by default. And you kept trying to talk to me afterward, even though I wouldn’t return your calls, which should have told me how important we were to you – how important I was to you. When you’ve been rejected once, it’s not like you to willingly encounter that rejection again.”

 “I would never stop trying, for you,” Blaine said, moving even closer to Kurt and tucking his head into Kurt’s shoulder. “You weren’t ready to talk then, and it might have been better for me to give you more space.”

“You still take my breath away, Blaine Warbler,” Kurt murmured, kissing his cheek. “Every time I think I know how big your heart is and how brave you can be, you manage to amaze me and prove me wrong.”

He shifted again so that he could look back into Blaine’s eyes. “I’m going to say this one more time, because I want it to be absolutely clear, and I want to make sure you hear it and believe it. I forgive you. We will figure out how to move forward from here, but I forgive you.”

Blaine nodded, his lips trembling and his eyes filling again. “Thank you,” he whispered. “I can’t tell you how much I needed to hear that.” He laughed a little, nuzzling Kurt’s nose with his own. “Every time I think I can’t possibly cry any more over any of this, I do. These are mostly happy tears, though. I’ve been hoping to hear you say that for so long.”

“I’m sorry it took me this long, but I’m glad that I can finally say it,” Kurt answered.

“I’m not sorry, not if waiting led us here,” Blaine said tenderly, running his fingers through the hair at Kurt’s temple. “Not if it means you’re sure.

“I am now,” Kurt said firmly. “So sure. Even at Christmas, I couldn’t have told you whether I wanted this again – but I’m sure now,” he smiled, kissing Blaine again.

When they parted for air, Blaine leaned his forehead against Kurt’s. “Kurt,” he asked carefully, “what about Adam?”

Kurt sighed. “I talked to Adam before I came,” he said. “It was – it was a hard conversation. I know he really liked me, and I hurt him by breaking up with him. But when Tina called me last week, and I was up half the night contemplating why I was coming back here, and figuring out why I still felt so connected to you, and hearing Rachel’s comments about soulmates on repeat in my head, I knew that I couldn’t keep seeing him. No matter what happened when I got here, it wasn’t fair to Adam to pursue a relationship with him when my feelings about you were still so intense. Even if you and I decided to continue being only friends, I knew it would be better for me to be alone for a while, until I felt less conflicted. Adam’s a really sweet guy, and he deserves to be with someone who can honestly fall head over heels for him. I liked him a lot, but I’m not that person.”

“I’m sorry,” Blaine said quietly. “That must have been difficult. Will he be all right?”

“I think so. He didn’t seem entirely surprised. I think he knew I wasn’t really over you – and I hope we’ll still be friends,” Kurt said with a brief smile. “I’d like you to meet him at some point – he is a lovely person, and he would like you.”

“I’d like that, too,” Blaine said. He paused for a minute, tracing a fingertip over the buttons on Kurt’s tuxedo shirt. “This still doesn’t feel entirely real,” he said, almost inaudibly. “When I came to New York for Christmas, I started to hope that we would be all right – but I also realized that it didn’t matter _how_ you were in my life, as long as you were part of it. I wanted to be able to love you again, and I was determined to let you know that I would wait as long as you needed, but if all we could ever be was friends, I was happy to have that much.”

“Christmas was a little overwhelming,” Kurt confessed, closing his eyes. “First trying to absorb that my dad was there, and then deal with the fact that he had prostate cancer, even if it was caught early, and finally seeing you, was a lot. I felt like my emotions were everywhere.”

“I was afraid of that, but when your dad asked me to come, I didn’t feel like I could say no,” Blaine answered. “I didn’t really _want_ to say no; I wanted to see you so much. I was afraid you would be upset, but your Dad seemed convinced that you would be glad to see me. I thought you were.”

“I was,” Kurt confirmed. “It surprised me how glad I was, at the time. Dad was right, though; he usually is. He knew I would need you, once I knew about the cancer, even if I would never admit it.”

“I never thanked you for that, by the way,” Kurt continued quietly. “For holding me that night, just because I asked, and telling me that everything would be fine, that Dad would be fine. I haven’t thanked you for looking after him, either. I know how many times you’ve gone with him to appointments, talked to him and kept him cheerful, checked on him at the shop, made sure he isn’t overworking. He’s told me how often you’ve helped.”

“Kurt, you’re my family,” Blaine said earnestly. “Whether or not we’re together, whether or not we’re in the same state, you’re my best friend and my family, and that means your dad is too. I will always help him if I can. He’s been better to me in the last three years than my own father has, and I am so grateful that he cares about me.”

“He does,” Kurt affirmed. He reached up to push back a curl from Blaine’s forehead that had freed itself. “And your father will come around, Blaine. Things might not ever be exactly the way you wish they were with him, but he will come around. You are still his son.”

“I hope you’re right,” Blaine said uncertainly. “I think – I think that’s part of why it was so hard, when you were gone. Once people physically or mentally disappear from my life, I’m not used to them coming back. Cooper – Cooper appears at his own convenience. Dad has been physically present but emotionally absent ever since the first Sadie Hawkins disaster. Then there was the nightmare with the Warblers, and all of Sebastian and Hunter’s manipulating. It’s – it’s really hard for me to believe that anyone cares about me enough to stay. I’ve been proven wrong so many times.”

“Oh, Blaine,” Kurt sighed, pulling his boyfriend against him again. “And you thought I was going to be another person on that list. I promised never to say goodbye, and then I didn’t keep up with our calls and dates, and after we broke up I didn’t talk to you for almost two months.” His voice was heavy with guilt. “I can’t believe I . . . I should have known better; I know what your life was like before Dalton, I know how much it hurts you that your father and Cooper aren’t around. I know how upset you were when Sebastian and the Warblers engineered that whole slushie attack. I should have seen what was happening.”

“Maybe,” Blaine said softly, “but I have to get better at talking about these things, Kurt. You can’t read minds, especially not from six hundred miles away. If you’re not hearing what I’m trying to say, I have to find another way to say it. That’s – it’s really hard for me, but I know that it’s something I have to work on. And for what it’s worth, I feel like these last few months have helped with that. I feel like I can stand on my own again, like I’m more comfortable and confident in my own skin. I have a support system outside of you – I have Tina, and Sam, and the other members of the glee club - and I think that’s a positive thing. You always had that, to an extent – you had Mercedes, and Rachel, and Santana, not to mention your dad. You have Rachel and Santana in New York, still, and now you have Isabelle. I _didn’t_ have that, and I didn’t realize how hard that was, how difficult it was to function without any kind of network and without you, until I was at McKinley alone. Being without you has been awful, but it’s felt really _good_ to build my own circle of friends, to know that I don’t have to lean on you all the time. If anything, it’s made it even clearer to me how much I love you – I don’t love you just because you’re there, or because I loved you first, but because _you_ are _special_ , because you are the most beautiful and amazing human being I have ever known. What we have is precious, and I will believe that every day for the rest of my life. ”

Kurt sniffled and then laughed, wiping tears from his eyes for what felt like the hundredth time. “Can I just say that every time you try to tell me you are no good at romance, from now on, I am going to remind you of that speech you just made?” He caught Blaine’s face in his hands. “I love you, Blaine Anderson. I love you so much, for all of the little things that make you uniquely you. And you’re right – it is _more_ than good for you to have your own friends and your own support system, and it’s good for me, too. Having that can only make us stronger as a pair.”

Blaine’s tone became slightly uncertain again as he posed his next question. “So where do we go from here? How do we deal with this?”

“I was going to ask you that,” Kurt returned. “We need to work this out together, but if you can tell me what you think you need in order to keep this a functioning relationship, then I will do my best to work with that. This is still going to be harder from your end, for a little while – I promise you I will be here when you graduate, but I don’t know what the summer holds yet. I was going to come home at least once, to see my dad and spend some time with you, but for the most part I was planning to stay in New York and keep working for Isabelle until NYADA starts again in the fall. I was hoping that you would come visit and stay at the loft,” he smiled, grasping Blaine’s hand. “There are so many places I want to take you, so many things I want to show you. We don’t know where you’ll be accepted yet, either – but we can cross that bridge when we come to it.”

“Of course I’ll come and stay with you,” Blaine agreed readily, his answering smile warm. “I want to see everything, and I would love to spend some time with Rachel and Santana as well as with you – I’ve missed them!” He paused, and when he spoke again his voice was shaking a little, but he was looking determinedly at Kurt, earnestness and honesty in every line of his face. “Aside from that, I – I need regular contact, Kurt. I know that we both have crowded schedules, and that you sometimes work nights, and I’m not expecting lengthy phone calls every day. Just warn me about the days when calls aren’t possible. I would like to hear your voice once every day, and if we can’t talk, we should text, at least in the morning and at night. I’m not going to be upset if you’re busy, as long as I know that it’s going to happen."

Kurt nodded, his own face equally solemn. “I can do that.”

“And - if we can Skype once a week, so that I can see your face, that will go a long way toward making me feel like we’re an _us_ , like we’re taking care of our relationship,” Blaine finished. “You won’t feel so far away. If we can keep to those rules, I think that should be enough.”

“That all sounds very fair, and I think I can safely promise to do all of that,” Kurt said. “I’ll stay as long as I can when I come back for graduation, and if you come to New York for a little while this summer, it won’t be too long between the times we see each other in person. I’m just going to ask for one other rule.”

“And that is?” Blaine queried.

“If you start to feel scared, or lonely, or insecure, you have to tell me. Even if all you can do is text me that you’re having a bad day, at least then I will know that I need to get you to talk, and I will make that a priority,” Kurt said vehemently. He took both of Blaine’s hands in his own, squeezing hard to emphasize his point. “I know that you’re determined to be better at communicating, and I have faith in your courage, Blaine. But I also know that you get scared, and if we’re going to get better at this it has to be both ways. I will do everything I can to assuage your fears and worries, but I have to know that they exist before I can do that. I don’t ever want you to be in the kind of mental space you were in last fall.”

“Believe me, I don’t want to be there either,” Blaine said, a small shudder running through him as he thought about the days and weeks before and after their break-up. “I promise. I will find some way to tell you, even if it just starts with a text.”

“Good,” Kurt sighed in relief. “That’s the one thing I really needed. The rest, I think we can do.” He leaned in to kiss Blaine sweetly, and the two of them spent several minutes lost in each other’s touch before Blaine pulled away, one hand still caressing Kurt’s face.

“My other promises still apply, too, you know,” he whispered. “Don’t forget that. In this case, I think ‘To always pick up your call, no matter what I’m doing’ is probably the most important.”

“Mmm. I still think ‘To always love you’ is probably at the top of that list,” Kurt said happily, kissing Blaine again. “And the cookies. You can’t ever forget the cookies.”

Blaine buried his head in Kurt’s shoulder, shaking with laughter. “All right, then. Love first, cookies second, phone calls third.”

“And the kissing. Definitely the kissing,” Kurt said, and Blaine dove in to kiss him again, leaving them both flushed and breathless. “You know, I’m not sure I can ever really prioritize these…”

The next couple of hours were full of soft kisses, whispered endearments, stories of the past few months, and plans for the future, before both boys fell into an exhausted sleep. When Burt and Carole came home after midnight and found them entwined together on the couch, Burt smiled as Carole draped a blanket over their sleeping forms.

“It looks like my Christmas surprise finally had the intended effect,” he whispered to his wife.

“You knew it would,” she smiled at him. “It just took some time.”

“I will never stop being thankful that they found each other,” Burt murmured, and Carole kissed his cheek before taking his hand as they went up to bed.

 


End file.
